Avoidance, Aspies, and Aaauuuggghhh!!!

Lately, what we're dealing with is avoidance.  Avoiding chores, avoiding work, getting frustrated when the work of a week has to be done in a day... in short, teenagerhood.  But teenagerhood on top of Asperger's can be a real pain in the ass neck...moving gradually lower.

The one, singular, salient reinforcer I have for son 2 is his PS3.   Unfortunately, one reinforcer should usually only be tied to one behavior you're trying to elicit.  And he has a lot of behavior that needs curbing about now. 

While he's enjoying the paychecks that come from his work as son 3's PCA, he avoids the paperwork that makes them come here.  He has already experienced that sending in the paperwork late means no check that week, but is tending now to kind of use it as a bank account - waiting it for it to build really high and then send it in.  He's not allowed to do this, the payroll lady has informed him, and so he is trying desperately hard to get his timecards in on time.  The problem now with the timecards is that he tends to want to fill them out during his established work hours, which creates the problem for us of having son 3 unattended. 

Aside from that, he needs to learn how to speak respectfully to employers and to his client.  If son 3 is having a meltdown, telling him to "shut up" is not the best idea, as it's hardly calming.  But, being an aspie, he fails to be able to apply the reasoning that he wouldn't like it, if it were his meltdown.  Yes, brothers do, occasionally say things like that to each other, but he's on the clock and he's supposed to be learning professional behavior.  He often reacts and interrupts my interactions with son 3, providing me a translation (inaccurate) of what son 3 is trying to say.  Now, I appreciate that he's trying to listen, but he's better off using the Dynavox or trusting what I hear, since I've been listening longer.  Imitation is also not a particularly strong suit, at least not when it comes to social interactions.  He doesn't quite "get it", and watching those who do is helpful in a minimalist sort of way. 

If I am telling him a job that needs doing for son 3, and he says, "It's not time for that yet, I have an alarm set in my phone."...that may be true, and it may be 5 or even 10 minutes early, but that is not an appropriate way to say that.  Quite matter-of-fact in typical Aspie form, but still mildly disrespectful, and any other employer or client would think he was batshit crazy a snotty little brat.  More appropriate would be, "I thought that was in ten minutes?"  But, no. 

Soooo...the thing is...which do I tie the reinforcer to first?  The paperwork, because that will affect his ability to keep the job in the long run - as it is the only area of his job that currently deals with people who are not related to him and therefore more tolerant of batshit craziness.   Yes, I realize that the respectful speech has to come too.  But first, he needs to keep it right with the outside world.  If he doesn't have this job, he likely won't get any job, because his other issues will get him fired before the first pay period ends.  I need him to have a job, because this is a training ground.  Now, I can require that he re-do things till they're right, and that's not a problem. He isn't getting off scott-free on the other issues.  I don't allow him to record any time spent arguing with me or the client on his timecard, because that's not what they're paying him for.  Time spent re-doing jobs isn't recorded either.  Not on the timecard.  I do require that he keep a running record of time he's lost, and then at the end of the week we add it up and figure out how much money he lost out on because of laziness and arguing.  It's not as salient as the PS3, but it does seem to be having some sort of effect. (Besides having him notice that "mom is mean.")

Anybody else have ideas for reinforcers or solutions to my dilemma?  We'll be going with this plan for this week and I'll keep you posted.

We're all in this together,

Jane

Summer and Siblings

Here we are, two weeks into summer vacation.  The kids want to vegetate in front of screens, be they computer, tv, videogame, whatever.  While I understand, I also know that it's not what's best.  Since I always aim to give my kids the best, their desires here are not going to happen.

Limiting screen time is difficult, sometimes very difficult.  But it must be done.  In some families, a token system by which screen time is earned seems to work.  Mine is not one of those families.  My kids do not work for tokens, nor do they compromise for tokens.  I've found that taking away something they have already is more effective than promising a reward for the future.  For example, if they know that they get 2 hours each of screen time, they will be more motivated by losing 15 minutes than by having the same 15 minutes given to them.  Don't ask me why, that's just how they operate.

Son 2 made it through fourth grade by starting the day with 10 dimes, and having one taken away each time he was off-task.  Sometimes, we need to figure out what they work for (salient reinforcer) and add it when desirable behavior is shown, or remove it for undesirable behavior.  For my kids, giving up something is waaay harder than not getting it.

The plan, so far, is that they each have a list of chores to do, and may use their screentime when they're done.  Having someone else do their chores costs 15 minutes per chore.  I think it's fair, a few even get excited about getting someone else's minutes and offer to take on extra.  This may contribute to elevated sibling rivalry, but so far, I'm not seeing that problem.

The important thing is to get creative.  If what you're doing isn't working, change it up.  Reverse it.  Change reinforcers till it does work. 

When they don't respond as you want them to, there has to be a consequence, of course, but it needs to be one that they both understand and that makes sense to them.  Appeal to their sense of logic, whereever they are with that.  I don't believe in being punitive just to hurt them, it needs to make sense.  An example is a child who hits.  It makes no sense to hit them.  It does make sense to keep them away from the object of their aggression.  I "ground" my kids from being together if they can't behave together.  In about 15 minutes, they're begging to be allowed to play with each other.  If they're jumping or climbing on furniture, I "ground" them from furniture.  Really, one meal standing at the table, and they're re-considering the jumping/climbing.

We tell them, "Every action has consequences. Positive choices have positive consequences, negative choics have negative consequences.  You choose your consequences.".  It works.

Sometimes, things get worse before they get better.  Don't expect overnight compliance, but keep working the program you've put in place.  Progress is our goal, not perfection.

We're all in this together.

Jane

Graduation Trepidation

Son 2 is struggling.  We have always been straight up with him about his disability, and how it impacts him, and what compensatory strategies are, etcetera.  Two years ago, he said to me, "Mom, I'm just not as "grown-up" as the other kids in my class, am I?".  That was quite the moment for both of us, as he realized he was lacking in the social make-up that the other kids instinctively "get".  Of course, we had the discussion that although he was behind them in some ways, in some ways, he's ahead.  For example, he doesn't get into the drama they do.  He's always seen past, over, and around it.  He regards it as foolishness, and questions why they don't "just get on with it".

However, as his graduation approaches, he finds himself in a bit of a pickle.  Though he wants that independence of college, he fears it, as well.  His brother and sister have not been successful in their attempts at higher education, and he fears that independence may well kick his butt as well.  On a few levels, he'd rather stay in high school, and do more AP classes.  Which is great, but frankly, the district hasn't been great for him, with the exception of the Speech Coach and English teacher.  His case manager sort of gets him, and God knows, she's been willing to work with him and with me to resolve differences.  He hasn't been the most academic of kids through high school, it's been a struggle all the way.  He refuses to do homework at home, as it's actually schoolwork, tells teachers "No, I don't have to do that now. My IEP says I get to hand it in later"  (emerging, though wildly inappropriate, self-advocacy in the making).  Naturally, teachers don't hear self-advocacy, they hear a snotty little brat.  Who could blame them?  Sometimes, the frankness of Aspies gets them in trouble.

We've visited the campus (and he's familiar with it from other tours, and events that have been held there - it's my alma mater), spoken with the disabilities director, and arranged special admissions so that he can take only one or two classes while adjusting to the academic rigors.  He'll be living at home, to save money and spare him being thrown to the wolves in dorm life right away.  Still, he worries.  It's who he is.  It's what he does.  I wish I had a way to tell him it'll be all right.  That I expect college will be his baileywick, as he will get to make his own structure, and not live by the bells at high school.  But nothing I say seems to ease the trepidation he feels.  We've had this conversation I cannot count how many times. 

My plan, now, is to get him through graduation.  He needs to get out of this district and see that the whole world is not high school, which is traumatic for everyone, not just Aspies.   He needs to see that people on campus will accept him and he'll have loads of friends.  His best friend and fellow Aspie from high school is also going to the same college, I think that will help ease the transition, as will his peer mentor.  (An upperclassman studying special ed that gets credit for helping to track homework and appointments.)  Sometimes, to ease the fear, the only thing to do is face it.  I believe he can do anything, if he just puts his mind to it.  This is the boy that wired my house for sound at age 5 with his walkie-talkie set. The boy who created a "shock box" to demonstrate electrical transformers.  The boy who isolated DNA from a hair at age 8.   He has creativity in abundance, and just needs to be able to show it.  Success is surely a possibility, if not probability, for him. 

My current plan is to have the Speech coach talk to him.  She understands, accepts, and loves him for who he is and also believes that the creative mind is stifled by the forced structure of high school, and that to be able to set his own structure in college will be remarkably freeing for him.  Sometimes, Mom just isn't enough.  Sometimes, it's a good thing to have a Speech coach to tell your kids what they need to hear.  Hopefully, it'll help.  If not, well, time will show him that he can be successful, if he doesn't give up before he really tries.

We're all in this together,

Jane

Parties, Players, Planning and oh, POOP!

This past Saturday, we had son 3's birthday party at the local bowling alley.  I had asked the school for a list of his friends, for example  -  that he eats lunch with.  I got the ten names, and addressed invitations to them, got several RSVP's, and we were looking forward to party time.    Now, son 3 has CP, and is fairly severely affected.  He has severe dysarthria, uses a power wheelchair and AAC, but has a great attitude, and the bowling alley we picked is accessible and has ramps for wheelchair bowlers to put the ball on.

So I started out Saturday optimistically, though I knew we were logistically impaired by the fact that Son 2 had a sleepover guest Friday night, and we would be waiting for that guest to be picked up Saturday.  Still, I had a cake to bake and decorate, a van seat to remove to accomodate the wheelchair, and I figured it would go ok.  The men in my life figured it would go okay if I did everything.  Unfortunately, I can't lift the van seat alone.  (Well, I can, but if I do, I'm not bowling or doing much of anything else with my right arm for awhile.  Carpal tunnel being the joy it is.)

My darling husband, whom I truly love, decided he would play the PS3 while I got things ready to go.  That was not helpful.  Rarely are videogames helpful when there's a deadline involved.  Suffice to say that I got little help, and we ended up behind schedule.  What else could wrong?  Weeeellll.... 

Running late for our own party, I got a phone call from a guest's mom who told me that the bowling alley in question was closed, opened at 3 not 2, and what should we do now?  I asked her to hold tight for a minute, called the alley, got a machine, and made the decision to move into the park behind the bowling alley for the cake-eating, present-opening portion of the party.  I then called hubs to let him know (since with a van seat removed, we need two vehicles to transport our family), and proceeded to the park.  We met, got the cake eaten and went to the bowling alley.  Hubs was fit to be tied, as he felt that any misunderstanding or anything was completely unconscionable. 

Bowling went well, the park went well, the kids had a great time, and I think that's what it's all about.  BUT...I've learned a few things.  1.  Call the place a few times.  Make sure you're speaking with management, not the new teenager.

                                                  2. No sleepovers for other children the night before parties.

                                                  3.  NO VIDEOGAMES THE DAY OF.

So, having figured all this out, that's the story of the party that was a bit of a mess, but turned out pretty darned good, all things considered. 

The only other thing is... all these friends of Son 3 are also disabled.  Interestingly, I found out from the parents that the majority (all but one) have 1:1 para support at school, and that is why they eat lunch together.  Son 3 doesn't even like one of them, though that kid likes Son 3 quite a bit.  I'm glad Son3 has friends, but I'd like to see him interacting more with typical peers.  It's actually a request I've been making most of the year.  I feel that he needs that typical, un-para-aided type of interaction to allow him to truly grow.  He gravitates mostly towards adults, because they are (generally though not always) more patient with his attempts at speech production, digitally or vocally.  But all teenagers need to be comfortable in their peer group, and he is no exception.  Just because he has physical issues is no reason he shouldn't be involved with peers in group outings, etc.  They have games and dances, but he never wants to go because his para won't be there.  I think his dependence on the para needs to be addressed, and he needs to associate with typical peers, as well as those with disabilities. 

It was a learning experience on many different fronts, and it's always good to keep learning.

We're all in this together,

Jane

My Freak Parade

For me, one of the toughest things to overcome is the inability of some people to see past their life experience and attempt to actually put themselves in the other person's position to try to help.

Many well-meaning people have offered suggestions on parenting to me throughout the years, some valuable, some a pain in the neck (moving gradually lower). A fellow parent of an autistic child (HFA) a couple years older than son 2 was discombobulated by the fact that my son is late for... well, everything. Since her daughter is compulsively on time, she thought that was characteristic of all autism. (No. Sorry. Not so much really; no.) People like that are easy to deal with, and generally understanding when you explain that autism has many manifestations, and it would be difficult to find two on the spectrum with the exact same symptomology. The ones that give me pause, though, are the ones who stop me in the store to tell me that my boys are a little wild. (You're kidding, right? Good thing you're here, I might've missed that!) Thus I come to describe our family outings as "leading the Freak Parade". Naturally, as their leader, I'm the bigget freak of all, and we have family laughs and unity over the joke we collectively play on society.

I grow weary of the daily explanations. Son 3 is not in his wheelchair because his legs don't work - rather, it is his trunk that would not hold him up. No, he doesn't envy your ability to run - the wheelchair goes 30 mph. That is another post - parenting and FEAR. Son 2 is not hiding in the bathroom at Wal-Mart because he's committed shoplifting, he just likes the quiet and being around water. Sons 4, 5, and 6 are running because they want out of here as much if not more than you want them out of here. Son 1 is finding other people to talk to because right now, the Freak Parade is a little embarassing for him (yet another post, Parenting Teenagers).

Despite the weariness, I have learned to keep explaining, because it increases community awareness. My sons give explanation for themselves as well, in their own words, which, also increases awareness. In themselves and those they address.

I have an AWESOME Son 3 anecdote - for those who assume he is younger than he is based on physical capability.

We were at the Dr.'s to get his Botox injection for his inner thighs, and the nurse thought she was going to be funny and distract him by wearing a clown nose. He was calm, collected, and ready for the sting, but he tends to be treated younger than his age, or mentally deficient. He looked the nurse in the eye, and said, placidly, "Put down the crack pipe for just FIVE MINUTES. I'm 10!!". He cracked up everyone in the waiting room, and the doctor had to stop laughing before he could deliver the injection.

As a recovering addict, I learned 20 years ago to "take what you like and leave the rest". That's truly a program saying. But it does apply so well to well-meaning advice-givers-in-passing. They don't understand, and you need to decide if it's a nod-and-smile moment, or a teachable moment. It takes awhile to get used to making those decisions, but once I did, life has been much more fun.

Cheers,

Jane