Summer and Siblings

Here we are, two weeks into summer vacation.  The kids want to vegetate in front of screens, be they computer, tv, videogame, whatever.  While I understand, I also know that it's not what's best.  Since I always aim to give my kids the best, their desires here are not going to happen.

Limiting screen time is difficult, sometimes very difficult.  But it must be done.  In some families, a token system by which screen time is earned seems to work.  Mine is not one of those families.  My kids do not work for tokens, nor do they compromise for tokens.  I've found that taking away something they have already is more effective than promising a reward for the future.  For example, if they know that they get 2 hours each of screen time, they will be more motivated by losing 15 minutes than by having the same 15 minutes given to them.  Don't ask me why, that's just how they operate.

Son 2 made it through fourth grade by starting the day with 10 dimes, and having one taken away each time he was off-task.  Sometimes, we need to figure out what they work for (salient reinforcer) and add it when desirable behavior is shown, or remove it for undesirable behavior.  For my kids, giving up something is waaay harder than not getting it.

The plan, so far, is that they each have a list of chores to do, and may use their screentime when they're done.  Having someone else do their chores costs 15 minutes per chore.  I think it's fair, a few even get excited about getting someone else's minutes and offer to take on extra.  This may contribute to elevated sibling rivalry, but so far, I'm not seeing that problem.

The important thing is to get creative.  If what you're doing isn't working, change it up.  Reverse it.  Change reinforcers till it does work. 

When they don't respond as you want them to, there has to be a consequence, of course, but it needs to be one that they both understand and that makes sense to them.  Appeal to their sense of logic, whereever they are with that.  I don't believe in being punitive just to hurt them, it needs to make sense.  An example is a child who hits.  It makes no sense to hit them.  It does make sense to keep them away from the object of their aggression.  I "ground" my kids from being together if they can't behave together.  In about 15 minutes, they're begging to be allowed to play with each other.  If they're jumping or climbing on furniture, I "ground" them from furniture.  Really, one meal standing at the table, and they're re-considering the jumping/climbing.

We tell them, "Every action has consequences. Positive choices have positive consequences, negative choics have negative consequences.  You choose your consequences.".  It works.

Sometimes, things get worse before they get better.  Don't expect overnight compliance, but keep working the program you've put in place.  Progress is our goal, not perfection.

We're all in this together.

Jane

"Be STILL, and know that I am God"

Interesting.  Today is ... interesting.  Amid the hustle and bustle for son 2's high school graduation, there remains another agenda.  Son 5 has class plays going on at 2 pm, and son 6 graduates kindergarten at 3.  Fortunately (?) both are in the same building and even the same room.

I almost wish we didn't have the two graduations, as the one eclipses the other.  This is life in a large family, though!  At least it's not the year we had a Graduation, Confirmation, First Holy Communion and Kindergarten Graduation the same month.  But it IS busy.

My own AD/HD tends to kick in at times like this, and I feel a bit scattered, a bit spread thin.  Over the years, I've come to see this as a call from God that I need a little bit of  "Daddy time" myself.  I've discussed "Daddy Nights" at our house in a previous post..(here) and I have learned that I also need that time.  Not just with their Daddy, but with Our Lord.  Don't get me wrong, dh and I have date night every Thursday, in which the kids fend for themselves (leftover buffet for supper, pick their own movie of the evening) and Daddy and I hide in the bedroom (available if necessary yet praying it's not.)  It's entirely necessary to take care of that relationship as it is the foundation of the family.  Without Dad and I, the kids really wouldn't be here.  So taking care of the "us" is as important as taking care of them.

But what I mean is time to withdraw.  25 minutes is really what I need.  A walk on our pedestrian path with the puppy, rosary in hand, usually does it.  Sometimes, though, life comes at me so swift I'm reminded of the saying, "I try to take one day at a time, but lately several days have attacked me at once."  I get overwhelmed, agitated, don't know what to start when... even my neurotic list-making gets out of whack.  That is  a sign to take time out, and "be still, and know that I am God".  Call it transcendental meditation, prayer, whatever you'd like.  It's allowing myself to just empty, into the knowledge that God is God and it will all work out in the end.  When the end is, is sometimes unclear, but it all works out in the end.   It's important to just rest in the stillness at times.  I know that God is here, and that He cares, but sometimes, I wish He'd do the dishes and clean under the couch.  Those times, just being is important.  Just to be.  To revel in creation and know that even if nobody comes to the Open House, or if everybody and their brother comes, God is in his heaven and all is right with the world.  ( I have noticed, though, that if the house is spotless, no one ever comes over.  It's only when you've been up all night with the crying insomniac or vomiting child and have no energy to even get dressed past your old college sweats and a t-shirt robbed from dh that people visit.)

Remember, when you're at your most frazzled, that's when to take a break and know that in the grand scheme of things, it won't matter.  Looking back, I don't remember who came or didn't to my HS graduation.  I don't really remember who sent cards or congratulatory phone calls.  A few, yes, but mostly family, and to be honest, family that's REALLY family will be there whether all my ducks are in a row or not.

We're all in it together,

Jane